Teen Trauma

Many parents think they know their own children and this is probably true for the most part, but no parent can be sure until they can observe their child’s behavior when the child thinks there are no adults present.

Am I asking you to be sneaky, to spy on your kids? Yes. I wrestled with this question for a long time when my kids were little. Should we respect their privacy? Should we let them have secrets and hidden places? Or do we rifle through their rooms when they’re not home? Do we hide behind bushes and follow them when they go outside?

I’m not saying to become so paranoid that you do this on a daily basis, but periodically it’s a good idea.

You don’t want to be one of those parents that when their child gets into trouble say ” not my kid, he/she would never do that “. I have no respect for those kinds of people who parent with their eyes closed. Remember that many kids who become shooters in school or murderers have parents that although living in the same house say they had no clue what their child was into.

What finally convinced me that spying was the right thing to do was when Carrol O’Connor’s son killed himself having been heavily into drugs. Carrol had done some commercials urging parents to find out what their kids were into no matter how they had to do it. Seeing the pain in that man’s eyes convinced me. It’s the parents responsibility to know what’s going on with their kids and in their homes.

     I read an article many years ago that made a lot of sense to me. It said that when a child is young his/her parents are their whole lives, their role models but when the child is older their peers become their major influence.

Teens and even younger children very much want and need to fit in and be accepted by their peers. The best a parent can do is to make sure the child has a solid foundation at the start and has adopted the core value system that you have worked to instill in them. This is when your child may need extra attention and guidance from you so that if they do get in with the “wrong crowd” they won’t stray too far.

     Pushing your kid to avoid those troublemakers takes some tact and a gentle touch. If you push too hard it may only serve to drive your teen closer to what you want them to stay away from. Remember that children will continually test the boundaries that you set and the older they are the more room you need to give them. It’s like a fence around your kid. You will need to expand the area inside the fence, while making sure that your child knows that there is a fence there that you will not allow them to cross, and moreover they need to know that you are forever at that gate to watch. As most of us parents know it’s not an easy job and there are never any days off!

The most important thing a parent can do is to love their children and be solid and consistant. Let’s explore what each of these three things really mean.

Love your children - Most parents do love their children, but is that enough? No. Your children must know and feel down to the core that they are loved. Children can be very trying sometimes and it’s easy for a parent to become frustrated and angry at times. In those cases it’s difficult for a parent not to lash out and maybe do or say things in the heat of the moment. When that happens the parent gets their chance to vent and knows that they didn’t mean to take it out in that way. The problem is that the child takes the words or actions at face value, not understanding it’s just venting and that the parent really didn’t mean it. If you find yourself doing this stop immediately and talk to your child about it and reassure them. Learn to control yourself and you’ll be able to better control your child.

Be solid - What this means is that your child needs to know that you are there for them and as much as is possible, will be there for them. These days many parents are single parents and that presents two potential problems. One is the single parent may spend time away from their children due to having to work, the other is that parents get lonely too and often go out with friends or date. If you’re lucky you may be able to work the hours your child is in school, or work at home, if not you’ve got to make the time available be quality time with the children. That means don’t just be home with them, but do things with them, talk to them, make them feel that they are worth your time and they are important to you. I have strong feelings about dating and going out when you have kids and those are that an occasional date is OK, or once in while meeting friends over dinner and a drink is OK. If you’re dating one person try to include your children in a zoo trip or picnic. You’ve got to make those you date understand that you are a parent and you and your children come as a package, together.

It’s never alright to let your kids see you come home drunk, to go out to bars often, or to bring different dates home regularly. You decided to bring the kids into the world so deal with it.

Be consistent - Discipline only works when the rules are clear enough to the child so that they understand what’s expected of them. The same goes with the consequences of breaking the rules. Do not discipline out of anger, and make sure they know why they are being punished.

     The forecast for last weekend in Chicago was warm and bloody. 37 people were shot, two were stabbed, and of them 7 died mostly as a result of gang violence.

Mayor Daley has made curfew 30 minutes earlier to get kids off the streets, but that has been a futile attempt to stop the violence. He has been urging parents to know where their children are and to help enforce his curfew. Parents and community leaders have taken to marching down the streets in protest to stop the killing of their children.

This is all well and fine but will stop nothing. First,who do they think is killing these teens? I’ll tell you. Other teens! These other teens are their children too, and their classmates, and their neighbors. This makes you think that the problem can be solved if parents watched their teens better. That makes sense because everyone knows that teens follow their parents rules and even though they might be a gang-banger who has just shot and killed someone, they will certainly listen to their mother when she tells them they’re grounded or have to be home by 10. “Yes Mom, let me put my 45 away first”.

So we look to the parents to be better, to take control, to be responsible. That’s what they should be doing but here’s the problem. Our government has so tied up the hands of parents, that those who have out of control teens are left impotent. Once again picture it. The gang-banging, drunken, cracked out, murdering teen is getting into trouble and all his mom can do is ground him? take away his video game? tell him to behave?

Yes those things should have been done when he/she was very young, but they either weren’t or the discipline and rules weren’t strong enough to withstand the outside influences of gang life. It does no good just to play the blame game.

Hello everyone! I would like to introduce this blog “Teen Trauma” and tell you a little bit about myself.

First, I would like you to know from the start that I am not a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. I am a mother of two adult children, a boy and a girl, 21 and 23 years old.

I raised my kids in a changing neighborhood on the south-side of Chicago and I have seen my kids and their friends go through things no one should have to experience. Yet here we are at the end of that dark tunnel of the teenage years and we have not only survived but have become stronger for it.

I’m going to write about throw away kids, drugs, school violence and gangs among many other things. At the least you’ll know if your family is facing the same problems, that you are not alone, and at the most you may learn from my experiences and my mistakes.

I hope you will check in here often and that you find a friend in these articles and continue to have the patience and courage that it takes to see that your own teens make it to that proverbial light at the end of this teen tunnel.